This yuletide, I bring to you a theory on which I have been working for two years, but only now commit to writing. While in Crete, I noticed something striking about some Minoan larnakes - to wit, certain of the putative agrimi, or wild goats, bore a striking resemblance to reindeer (see figs. 1 and 2). Now, reindeer (as is well known) are native to arctic regions, and almost never found south of the 50th parallel. For comparison, ancient Macedonia lies on the 40th parallel, and Crete is on the 35th. It is therefore impossible to account for the natural appearance of reindeer on the island, even accounting for the climatic shifts of the past 3300 years.
Now, you might be thinking, "Theo, smarter men than you have called these agrimi, and so they must be." To you, I say: "yeah, but." In figs. 1 and 2, it is clear that one animal is not like the others - the leftmost in fig.1. If the Minoan artist had intended this to be a goat, he would have drawn it as he had the other one, and as his compatriot had managed on a roughly contemporary piece (LM IIIB pottery was highly conventionalized, or, as they would have said in the 19th century, degenerate). But of course he did not.
Now, you might be thinking, "Theo, fallow deer are native to Crete; this need not be a reindeer." To you, I say: "look at fig. 3." That is what Wikipedia tells me is a fallow deer. Now, compare fig. 4, a reindeer (which I know is a reindeer because I recently saw some at the zoo; compare fig. 5, where they are uncooperatively distant). The antlers on our larnax are clearly not the scoopy, moose-y types of the fallow deer (which it might be argued is represented in fig. 6, a third contemporary larnax). They are the longer, spikier antlers of a reindeer.
Now, you might be thinking, "Theo, this is all crazy, and you have shockingly few references that aren't Wikipedia or zoo billboards." To you, I say: "you've read this much, so you may as well stick around." Now, as it happens, there is perhaps corroborating evidence for the Bronze Age knowledge of reindeer in Greece; to wit, Herakles is famous for capturing the Keryneian hind, which is always depicted with antlers. Now, the only member of the cervidae family in which the hind is horned is the reindeer. Herakles is located mythotemporically in the generation prior to the Trojan War, which correlates with the LH IIIB period on the mainland - contemporary with LM IIIB on Crete.
It is clear, therefore, that by the very end of the Greek Bronze Age, both Mycenaeans and Minoans had been exposed to reindeer. How did this happen? Reindeer, as we have established, did not live so far south, nor are they known to migrate. As in the famous maxim of Mr. Holmes, as we have now eliminated the probable, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the solution. As it is well known that the only person in history to regularly transport reindeer south of their arctic home is one Mr. Santa Claus, it is therefore clear that he must be the answer to our present enigma.
Now, Santa Claus is best known in these days for his association with the Christian festival of Christmas. While his origins are often found in the 4th century Nikolaos of Myra, our present inquiry perhaps requires that this view be reconsidered. It is possible, I suggest, that Santa Claus ante-, rather than post-, dates Christianity. Prior to his contract to deliver presents, presumably on some mandate from heaven, it is possible he was a seasonal trader, travelling south with his reindeer through the ages. This would also account for the presence of Baltic amber in Mycenaean Greece - while present theories demand long, intricate trade routes linking the Weesex Culture of Great Britain, the Baltic Sea, and the Peloponnese, it is simpler and indeed more probable that it instead traveled south with Santa, where it was traded for room and board.
In such a way, the Minoans became familiar with reindeer, and depicted them in their art. It is also in this way that Herakles was able to capture a reindeer - which we must consider now an even more impressive feat, accounting for the ability of Santa's to fly - and also for the fact that he did not kill it, nor was Eurystheus able to keep it (Artemis in this account may well be an interpretatio graeca of Mrs. Claus). It is well known that at least four of Santa's current reindeer (Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Blitzen) are female, and while it is not known if these are to be considered the original reindeer (the story of Rudolph suggests against this), it is clear that Santa has since at least the mid-19th century had a policy of gender equality; as this antedates all civil rights and suffrage movements, there is no need to account for this as a success of modern feminism (as in the case of Mr. Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada, who defended such a policy in 2015 with a simple reference to the calendar. Santa, it seems, was ahead of the curve).
Thus, through a close study of the archaeological and mythological evidence, it is clear that Santa Claus was a known presence in Bronze Age Greece from at least the LM/LH IIIB period. The implications are significant, both from the evidence that Santa is older than once thought, and that he must have a wealth of archaeological knowledge. If he did indeed witness this period of history, his testimony would prove invaluable to modern archaeologists. Unfortunately, by LM IIIB both lustral basins and Linear A had vanished from Crete, so he cannot speak to those mysteries. However, if his peregrinations are thought to have begun earlier (further investigation is necessary), it might well be found that a clever Minoan youth wished for something utterly beyond archaeological means of interpretation and was duly delivered the Phaistos Disc.
Fig. 1
Fig. 2
Fig. 3
Fig. 4
Fig. 5
Fig. 6
